Monday, May 11, 2009

WTHMFS…. Manuel for Turning a Trashy Bitch in Heat into a Married House Tramp…

Sorry about the wait, but this had to be perfected! Ha-ha! LOL! 

Episode #: Eternally Heading To Cancellation Part 24

Episode Rating: 2 Mucus Filled Pukes, 1 Crap of Maggot Filled Bull Shit, a possibly transgender Bride & a Groom with the brain equivalent to the size of a Peanut hull!

Invitation/Ingredients: You Are Cordially invited to the EPICly Incestuous Wedding of a Man-Whore & Luke-ASS! Extra side helping of puke in the form of: Useless Has-been, washed-up singer, annoying little ankle biter, Oxygen wasting Laguna Beach Loser, and Monkey faced Boy Meets World Reject!

Intent/ Purpose: Other than ridiculousness…?

Widespread epidemic of PeytWhore Phobia… Including:
1. Fear of puss-like watery eyes.
2. constant whine, whine, using mouth to kiss up, in on Lucas Scotts Ass, Ass hairs, Dick, of colon.
3. Becoming the picture in the dictionary next to desperate Slut-bag whorish prostitute.
4. Random flashbacks made of corn chewed by a hog with swine flu-which just so happens to have never happened- and…
5. Also fear of Sharp objects being stabbed into your back!

Post Script: Like the movie, The Ring, The Wedding from Hell was created to suck every form of energy, self-esteem, and Life out of anyone with a pulse. Also to feed ugly, big nosed, urine shampooed haired Head writer’s slightly homo-erotic obsession with blonde bean poles wearing peroxide wigs from his pubic region!

Summary: WHAT THE HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT! Whoever said you can’t turn a Backstabbing, Stank-ass, Praying Mantis Slut into a Human House wife never met PeytWho- OH, WAIT!

Actually, they were right, but you can turn that gogglely eyed Ho’ into a crybaby, annoying, Selfish EMO-bitch with enough salty liquid tears in her eyes to Flood the entire Western Hemisphere!?

Finally the Vapid Wonder-Whore & Squinty McDumbAsABoxofRocks combined into the biggest Running Joke of EPIC Proportions in television History! Yes, Oh Yes Mark the Perverted, Masturbatory through Anoxic Silver Bikini, Nitwit of Television Suckery has once again to service us (Sane Humans aka BLers) with a Seven ‘UP Yours’ using the scum of his shoe…aka PUCAS!

Seriously, this episode was the Attracting Act of a side Show, Weirdo Circus full of psycho monkeys on a rampage! For instance… A wedding is supposed to be a blessed event between a man and woman in HOLY matrimony… This shit, Ha-ha-ha! I’m so stoked I’m a BLer and not a Puker!

For real: Haley becomes an ordained minister after one second, hell! So let me get this straight, they have time to set up shop outside the river with lights, arcs, and other cheesy McEmo-toe-sis Bull Shit Gagery, but these cheap mother fuckers can’t hire a priest! So damn sad!

Still waiting for a Klan Member to be Skillz’ Uncle! That’s how dumb and ridiculous that was! I mean, who gives a flying fuck that everyone talked through the entire *cough*funeral *cough* I meant Wedding. Or that no one took this farce of a ceremony seriously. Hell, Skillz cussed the shit out of Jaime and was practically banging that annoying SluTEACHER! LOL!

Jaime, was on a dog leash, funny but a little inhumane. But the Genius, Oh genius, my genius was so annoying- but anything was better than the PeytWhore and Wolf-man Show! Ha-ha, though I must admit, they were down played and we got to see more Naley (HOTT DIRTY SEX, HELLS YEAH!) but that was so stupid!

I really don’t want to think of my minister as banging a basketball bum still stuck in high school dream world where you help the underprivileged black kid! Listen Nate, its not 1943 and African Americans are capable, smart, gorgeous people who don’t need fools like you to pimp them to the NBA!

That’s why his pale, sickly lookin’ ass was overlooked! Damn, if he and Mark that fucking Douche bag, would see people as more than a race, he would have actually been illegible to be scouted! Damn Fool!

Haley James was gorgeous as usual… that’s ex scene- um, not as hot as I wanted, but the Toddy got a little bit of thigh, right? Ha-ha…Cue Swoon music because I just died and went to heaven! Ha-ha-ha… of course my sexy Haley had nothing on my beautiful Brooklyn!

Damn, that Sexy Siren had me melting in the strapless, shot blackish green number! Baby was smokin’ I almost caught on fire! Even if Nick LaCHUCK in my Lunch was kissing her! Ugh, I know Julian brought that Movie Brooke to make Brooke jealous, but for real even LucASS was appalled! And for the king of Douche Baggery to be appalled, we know Julian has lost his damn mind!

So when Nick got his mack on with B, I wasn’t hatin… well, I was, but only because I want to be him at that point! I am actually rooting for Julian… the BJu after wedding dance reminded me of the Brucas Dance, which was way better, but after all the cracks on senor LaGay, I was stoked to welcome Julian back!

I wish they would have showed the Nick/Julian fight instead of flashing forward, but Mark the dork needs to put Peyton in everyone’s business! As if she needs to tell Julian to fight for Brooke, and her comment to Lucas about getting julian if Lucas doesn’t dance with her- UGH, SKANK ASS SLUTTY BITCH!

Hello, first of all that’s Brooke’s man and secondly Julian wouldn’t turn down Steak for the microwavable meatloaf that is the PeytWHORE!

That guy is the new Lucas from season 1-3… Move over, Fucking Jerk-off Lucas season 4-6, Julian Lucas ssn1-3 Baker has taken over! UH, Oh! He just looks better than that homeless, Scruffy, wildebeest known as Lucas!

Ha-ha, seriously, who doesn’t bath or shave for their wedding! That guy looked like he had been picking food out of a garbage can! Anyway, I would have rather been tied to a chair and forced to listen to the Nick Lachey & that light pole Mia pretending to sing while really sounding like that are shitting out pinecones, than watch that stale as wood actress who plays Peyton and the Corpse Actor Chad Michael ‘Hello Lifetime Movies with Ann Curry’ Murray whine through another scene.

Seriously, between the bile and Pucas pimping and Haley reading Lucas’ letter box at the wedding… I think I just regurgitated one of my Lungs because I can’t stand to think that Pop-eyed HOOT Owl, Gigantic Orange haired Umpa-Lumpa is still breathing my oxygen!

I, for one, know that Peyton is not going to die and them making all the promos about her is doing nothing but destroying the rest of the episodes. I hope nobody watched this crap because it sucks big time!

And if that slut-bag lives It Not only proves that Mark Schawhn is juggling his nut-sack while writing, but dude is skeeting Psycho, Hack Writer nut-juice all over the screenplay.

So let’s see what happens next week!

Much love Homies,

-Toddian

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Its kinds sad when I am looking more forward to reading your rant than watching the show. But i had to watch first.

Good thing we only have one more episode to see whinny crying pathic peytwhore. i cant stand her anymore. Of course mark needs to get more people to watch. Because people are getting tired or the leyton shit. Its so old and boring. But she will be perfectly fine and the baby b/c mark in soo in love with her.

Ok why o why does EVERYONE just forget there was a brucas. yeah he wanted peytehore first but was with brooke first. I do love Haley, but she made it seem as if peytwhore was the only one lucas went after or had as a girlfriend.

I will always be a brucas shipper at heart but I know that it will never happen even if by some miracle chad stays or comes back (but only him). Julian and brooke love each and he stood up to her mom. And I think she was impressed. I kind wished brooke was there hiding and heard what he said. He did though reword something that lucas had said about brooke before though.

That wedding was such a joke and a laugh. For someone so in love with her character(mark) the wedding sucked. Naleys wedding renewal was better even the party that luke threw for there first wedding was better than this.

I wish so bad next weeks would be the series final. They could end it with the peytwore dying. I love naley but How can they have the show with only 3 of the core five. It will never be the same again. Not like it hasnt been already.

Anonymous said...

Hey todddy this is meaghan (dancewithme)

i am so bummed i did not discover your rants before now this is beyond freaking amazing.

I didn't even watch but this made my life

Mark sucks. Pucas sucks. Seyton sucks

BUT SEYTON IS LEAVING FOR GOOD!

yeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuh

bring on brucas take 2 (brulian) if it means no more pucas :D :D

Brookcty said...

Todd, these fucking seyton pukers are getting on my nerves. There bitching and moaning about the fucking twins leaving is making me sick. anyway I loved your rant as always. Hehe well as you know I was one of the brucasers who didn't watch, actually one of the MANY brucasers who didn't watch. hahhah did you here that Gossip Girl beat OTH in ratings last night. That has'nt happened since early season 5 and Lucas & Lindsey's wedding brought in 3 million viewers while last night OTH had 2.2. LMFAO, PL's wedding was an epic failure. I heard no one was there, They didn't even say I do, and Haley became the minister off of a phone??? WTF I bet there not even really married. Well this show blows, now we have brulian aka brucas 2.0 and angry emo bitches crying about seytwhore not returning next season. wah wah wah... who gives a fuck nobody liked the bitch anyway. Thank god we don't have to watch that poppy eyed bitch cry anymore.

duces,
btw thanks for the blog. there was no way I was going to watch that bullshit yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Uggggg. Toddian, watching this weeks episode was a painful experience. I mean I've known for quite some time now that Pucas was going to get married but watching it didn't make it any fuckin easier.

The way everyone was so fuckin corny and setting up the damn garden or wherever the hell they got married made me want to just punch each and every fuckin one of them in the face. Every time I saw PeytWhore, I kept hoping the bitch would just jump into that damn lake and just drown herself.

And what the fuck was up with Lucas splaying matchmaker and inviting Julian? I really like Brulian but I didn't like that Lucas of all people was trying to set up his ex-girlfriend who he claimed to really love in high school, with a guy he really hated up until just recently.

Brooke was too damn caring as usual in this episode. From getting PeytWhore ready and making sure Lucas was dressed in the finest tux made me want to just shake the girl. I love Brooke to death and she looked beautiful, sexy, and stunning. But had I been in her shoes, I would've just said "fuck it." Why care so much for a fake back-stabbing blond/brown(or whatever the hell PeytWhores haircolor is) bitch who's screwed you over repeatedly and a stupid squinting dick who's magically forgotten that the two of them even dated back in high school? Thats one of the MANY things I can't stand about Mark. Any one who thinks the asshole is a very "realistic" writer should be shot because Mark doesn't even know what the word reality even means.


If anything, I did really like the fact that the wedding was nothing compared to the Naley wedding is season 3. The Naley wedding was so much better, minus the jumping off the bridge part.lol But the actual ceremony with Haley and Nathan had been so great. Plus, I loved that unlike Lucas and Lindsay's wedding, Karen, Lily, and Andy weren't able to make it. And neither did PeytWhore's father. So fuck that wedding.

The actual wedding vows was a slap once again to the Brucas fan base. I just want to take a bat and beat Mark in the head with it seeing as how he's clearly gotten amnesia. So maybe beating him with a bat might actually do him some good since nothing else has worked.

What the fuck was up with Haley saying that Lucas loved PeyWhore in eight grade, ninth grade, tenth grade, eleventh grade, and even senior year????? If I remember correctly, Brooke had been a HUGE part of Lucas's life in high school and they had been together for a very long time. Not to forget the fact that Lucas had spent almost an entire season chasing and longing after Brooke. So where the hell does Haley come off saying that Lucas loved Peyton and only Peyton in high school?? I'm not making any of this shit up. Mark can fuckin deny that Brucas ever happened all he wants. But all one has to do is rewatch seasons 1-3, hell even the beginning of season 4 to see that Brucas had been a HUGE part of this fucking show. He can't just magically raise his little wand and make it all disappear because Brucas really did happen. Also not to forget the fact that the Brucas fan base has been one of the biggest tv ships ever. So how a fucked up write can really neglect an entire fan base the way Mark has, is beyond me.

Personally, I didn't mind all of the other stuff with Naley, Jaime, Skillz and his girlfriend, etc. just because it meant that it took more screen time away from Pucas. And watching the Pucas wedding was more than enough crap for me.

The ONLY part I did enjoy was every scene with Brooke(well except for the ones where she was helping PeytWhore). I actually enjoyed the way Julian and Brooke were making each other jealous because it was so obvious how much they both love one another. And it helped that Julian said he loved Brooke a few times throughout the show too.lol If I can't get Brucas, might as well get on the Brulian train. Because lets face it, they both make a REALLY hott couple. And at least Julian isn't tainted like Lucas is.

One of my favorite parts was when Julian came to Brooke's store after the wedding to see her, but met Victoria instead. His speech to her was great and I really liked that he stood up to Victoria....something that Lucas will probably never have the balls to do.

Thank God, next week is the last episode of the season meaning NO MORE Pucas. We should all have a party.lol It sucks that PeytWhore is not going to die.....but what can we do?? Fuck them all.

Until Next time

–Jennifer