Apparently Predictability and Mannequins are the Secrets to a Successful Episode?

So, it's official! One Crap Hill sucks so much hairy bumhole that I actually FORGOT about it this week! Yes, yes, after the wonderful break of not having my eyes molested by this show last week, I completely forgot this snoozefest was even on. It has become so redundant and predictable, that it is now being forgotten. So after much whining (partly due to the stomach bug I have, and I'm always cranky when I'm fucking hungry) I finally sat my ass down and watched this episode.

Wow... it sure didn't disappoint. My expectations, that is. Since I have none anymore, and I expected pretty much ALL the thrilling garbage that they spewed out and stamped as "entertainment", I can say it didn't fail to live up to the stellar standards it has been producing since season 4.

So, here we go again for another week. as usual, I'm just gonna split it up into characters etc cos that's pretty much all this show has become, and interacting with anyone else is a big-fat no no these days.

I apologize in advance if you faceplant the keyboard from being bored out of your brain!

Julian and Brooke. Droolian. Boolian. Stab my fucking eyes out because they are fucking junk yard trash. I have never been so bored to tears with a Brooke storyline in my life, but this week she plummeted to new lows. For someone who has lost her company and supposedly sold her private fortune to pay back lame investors, nice to know she can still live in that fancy house. But putting that unrealistic storyline faux par behind us, watching her have no backbone to stand up to Julian's mother is just plain fucked up. This is your wedding bitch - speak up you moron! Apparently, when it comes to Bakers, Brooke becomes a complete door mat and loses her brain. Loses all sense of the strong, independent woman Brooke is supposed to be. And now we have to watch as she gets all teary over Julian's mother's alcohol problem. I can just see it now - she won't tell Julian and take it on herself, and somehow try to save the fucking day. Saint Brooke to the rescue. So she goes from a huge fashion designer, to a drunkard's babysitter. Yeah, real character progression there.

And Julian, oh my god, Julian.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

Where is the Julian who would taunt Lucas and Peyton about the Pulian history? Where is the Julian who told Peyton to get over herself? Where is the Julian that was so suave and arrogant when it came to procuring Brooke? The one who spoke back and had wit? Who the fuck is this pussy before us? talk about character assassination. He has NO male friends that he has to set up a lame poker night to find a best man? Who else thinks he's gonna ask the Ferret Jamie, or go with Alex? Cos let's face it, only she actually talks to him, no one else seems to give a shit. And why? Because he's become the lamest character on the show, he is closer to a joke than a bloke. Where have your balls gone, Julian? Did they disappear inside the Brooke Bubble (who else gaged at that one?) Mark, please take Julian's balls out of your mouth and kindly return them to your character, pronto!

Nathan and Haley. Nathan the superhero agent to the rescue, only to whine like a bitch cos Clay sent you on a business trip and you didn't know ONE thing. I'm sorry, but who else wanted to slap the fuck outta this little Daddy's boy? What a spoiled BRAT! I thought he was channeling Jamie for a second, cos he was acting like a damn toddler. Excuse me asshole, but your best friend, who also happens to be your agent, who also happens to have been SHOT recently, offered you a job when you found yourself JOBLESS! This is also the same man who worked his ass off to get you a basketball career/contract in the first place. He is now teaching you everything he knows to give you a different career, and you're going to complain about him not telling you ONE thing? What did you expect, you would know everything first time around? I couldn't stand watching Nathan bitch and complain.

The only thing that made him look like an idiot tonight was his attitude and cry-baby pout.

Sure, he's doing Clay a favor, but Clay is also doing HIM a huge favor. Learn your place, fool. Rich bitch syndrome for sure.

Haley. Ugh, I could have slapped her too. Which is incredibly annoying because Bethany Joy is too adorable for words. But Haley really pissed me off tonight. How predictable was her signing that chick? Like, who even fucking cares? Another Mia-esque storyline (note to Douchebag Schwahn - it was boring the first time), only this time Erin calls the crisis center a lot. What's the bet now that Erin will be in the studio recording, we don't see Haley at the crisis center anymore? However, it was the overkill of the hormones stuff that got to me. I guess maybe because they pimped Peyton's pregnancy so much that it overshadowed Haley, they are trying to overcompensate now. What a bunch of shit. And Brooke and Haley scenes? Come on, if I'm gonna have Baley, give it to me right. I don't want to see whiny Brooke and bouncing Haley. That is NOT Tigger and Tutor Girl. They should at least be on each other's side.

Onto Mia/Chase and Alex. I have but one thing to say - FUCK OFF MIA, YOU SCRAG! She looks soooo desperate right now, it's sickening. I mean, I hated the bitch before, but now I keep wondering why on Earth they have her dumb face on my screen. WHY? The whole coffee thing in the beginning made me want to puke. Alex NEVER lied to Chase, she simply didn't want to ruin a good thing. Do I agree with it? Probably not. But do I understand it? Yes. But Chase can't? Mia breaks up with him via a text message and he was never mean, hurtful or THIS angry to her. He talked to her when she came back for him, yet he acts like a bitch to Alex? My guess is, he must REALLY have liked Alex to be acting like such a pussy when she came back for him. LOVED that she slapped him - these two have serious chemistry in my opinion. I just want that chihuahua Mia to get lost. Get outta the picture. If they put Chia back together, I won't be happy. Then again, nothing really makes me happy with this show anymore... so perhaps this is a moot point?

Hmm... what else? Clay. Well, he didn't do much. Like, at all. But I enjoyed watching him and his scenes. Liked the dancing too. Funny how lively he is without the succubus draining the life outta him. Yep, definite perk of this episode was the lack of Quinn.

KEEP QUINN OFF MY DAMN SCREEN AND I ASSURE YOU THE RATINGS WILL RISE!

No Jamie too. How good was that? It was like a breath of fresh air...

... that got pushed outta me again with Skillz's weird Lucas mannequin. Oh my fucking god Mark, we got through one week of no "Dear Lucas" bullshit only to have you throw your weird at home sex toy at us and make us all uncomfortable. Mark Schwahn has lost his damn mind if he thinks THAT is entertaining. Or even funny. It's neither, it just screams PATHETIC. So does Mouth. Crying over Millicent when he's the one that wanted things "casual". Uhm, you're ugly dude, you should have jumped at the chance.

So all in all, another boring episode. If I've left anything out it's because it was so insignificant and beyond boring that it wasn't able to stick itself into my brain long enough for me to blog about it. And what have we learned from this episode?

1. Haley is pregnant. She's forgotten about Lucas and writing letters to him.

2. Jamie was forgotten too.

3. Nathan used the word "retired" again and is now a sports agent.

4. Mia can't get over Chase and is acting like a pus-infected boil on everyone's ass.

5. Julian's Mom is in town and is helping Brooke plan the wedding.

6. Julian is asking the question "What Comes Next?" He also has no friends.

7. Alex is an actress. Apparently this needs to be repeated several times in case we didn't understand this earlier.

8. Mouth is a freak. Skillz just joined him with the Lucas freak mannequin.

Progressive, huh?

Rant and rave people,

Toddian & Chrissy