Welcome to the Clay & Quinn Show

And they thought this was going to get them ratings? Someone needs some common sense, pronto!

Okay, it's official. I wanna know who is in charge of Mark's brain now that Seyton has left the building? I spent six seasons getting used to it being all about Peyton and her happy ending, her happy life, her not paying for the skanky moves and backstabbing actions she committed throughout the series. Mark Schwahn had a boner for Hilarie and we all knew it. Hell, she probably sucked him off daily just to get things done her way. But how on Earth did the succubus Quinn manage to get everything to be about her?

Perhaps he really does have a thing for anorexic, duck-faced bitches?

So once again we're back for round three of the painful eighth series of One Lame Hill. I have to admit, this particular episode made me angrier than the previous two and I cannot believe Mark thinks he is so above and beyond reproach that he thought this lump of crap was actually worth the 44 minutes of my life it consumed. I would have been better off dedicating that time to picking my nose than enduring this pathetic excuse for a show.

What made me so angry? I think it was partly due to the fact that this whole episode seemed to move the story forward all of maybe, 4 inches. Not even a dick from the heavens would be satisfying at that size! Seriously, we are no better off at the end of this episode than we were the end of the previous one. It stuck us in a stale, non-mobile state of watching the most boring couple on the show take center stage with their drama that really, let's face it, no one gives two flying fucks about!

So, we endured Haley and Nathan expressing their feelings for the entire episode. Unfortunately, as sweet as some of their scenes were, they were ALL centered around Clay and Quinn. To watch every single character that appeared today have their story dictated by this chemistry-lacking couple, who barely know the majority of them, was beyond ridiculous. But on top of that, the whole Naley storyline seemed to have ceased when it came to her sister and his manager. So basically, the majority of scenes were set in the hospital, but neither the conversations or interactions had any real impact on the show. Honestly, they were pretty much boring throughout.

I was excited to see Nathan at the hospital in a previous episode - and now we find out his back is degenerating. Interesting, but yet again, Nathan's storyline is focused on basketball. The worst part? His admission was put on the back burner for the rest of the episode because it had no bearing on Clay and Quinn's storyline. We got a whole two minutes dedicated to it before Clay was mentioned again. Since when have Naley's storylines EVER been less important than a couple like Quinn and Clay? Oh that's right, since season 7 when this fucking absurdity began. Really, they were probably the most enlightening part of the whole episode, and it's become abundantly clear, that only the hardcore Naley fans are the ones excited to see this show week in and week out. I think even they would have been pissed off at the episode this week.

Then we have the drama with COB, Brooke, Millicent and Victoria. So, Victoria is off to jail instead of Brooke and she gets to keep her company. Funny how people were going nuts at Brooke for trusting her mother and calling her a dumbass on the CW boards. I'd like to see their Mom go to the slammer for them. Bitches. Although, I have to admit that this seems like a fair punishment, as it was actually Victoria who did it. Perhaps Millicent should get into trouble too though, since she forged just as many signatures, or at least knew about what was going down. Conspiracy, I believe they call it. However, the only thing that actually annoyed me about this particular storyline, was the fact that due to the immense time spent of having the characters run around Quinn and Clay like ferrets on crack for the entire episode, this storyline was only dedicated ten minutes of the ep in total. Someone like Victoria, who has been around longer than Quinn and Clay, went to prison and the writers could give two shits about that.

There's a reason you only got 1.9mil last week... time to wake up to yourselves, don't ya think?

Add to that, Brooke and Julian babysat Jamie for the day, and they had a few scenes together that spoke about their situation, but honestly, their screen time was so limited that anything they said was not pivotal to the storyline. It went nowhere. And the mentioning of them being good parents by Chubby Checker Scott makes me wonder why adoption hasn't been addressed? Or fostering, since Brooke took care of Sam and Angie. We get that this storyline isn't going away - so fucking do something with it. Don't rush it at the end and make it another copy of the lame celebrity couple who bought their baby.

Although I was grateful for the limited Julian.

What else pissed me off? Oh right, the blatant stealing of storylines. Patrick Swayzee would be turning in his grave at the fact that Mark Schwahn STOLE the idea of Ghost for this episode. Really, Ghosts talking to one another, helping each other out? Stuck between living and dying completely.

And who else just KNEW that the Will dude helping him out was gonna die and then TA DA, he's an organ donor.

BITCH PUH-LEASE! Just like I said on the CW boards - Y&R called and they want their unbelievable soap opera storylines back!

Like really, not only are we supposed to believe that some bitch gets shot, lays there bleeding out for 12 hours but miraculously wakes up the next day - but now we're supposed to believe that the guy that got shot with her, bled out for twelve hours, had failing kidneys and needed a transplant, got put on life support cos his organs were shutting down and he couldn't breathe on his own... is alive and kicking a week later?

BITCH PUH-LEASE x 2! This may be your version of heaven Quinn-tessential-idiot James, but this is our kind of soap digest HELL!

More annoying traits of the episode? Oh right, apparently not only are we subjected to Haley writing to Lucas at the beginning of every episode (I'm sorry, but you cannot replace the originality of Lucas Scott voiceovers, get a clue dickheads), but Mark thinks apparently messing with the new theme song is some genius, artistic idea. Who else wanted to turn it down for not only the sheer volume (we get it - crap still sounds crap at high decibels) but for how shameful it is to mess with Gavin's song like that? Bad move, Marky Mark. The Funky Bunch writers of yours let us down big time.

Fucking with a theme song is like Pucas - it just ain't right!

And Mouth and Millicent - awkward moment and then no addressing the storyline again for the rest of the episode. It was like a drive by shooting, only no aftermath. I was about to say "What the Fuck" but then realized that the storyline was focused on some other steaming turd-pile couple and my senses returned. Or my gag-reflex - it was one of the two.

Speaking of steaming turds, having Mouth podcast throughout the episode may have paid homage to previous years, but really, again - you cannot replace Lucas Scott narration with someone like Marvin McFadden throwing out sports quotes and eventually linking them all to Clay. Apparently, we need overly-obvious analogies to understand what Mark was trying to convey this episode. And what is with people repeating each other's lines? Once or twice is artistic - continually all episode is just plain annoying. We're not slow, and although our sanity is questionable because we subject ourselves to this bullshit out of some sense of loyalty, we're not crazy - we don't need to be told what is happening throughout the episode like we're toddlers trying to understand.

The good points - no mention of Seyton (HURRAH - FINALLY!), and no Alex/Chase and that FUG PUG Mia. It was a nice change. Although honestly, I would have settled for them and their stupid storyline over Clay and Quinn. Now that both are alive and well, maybe they can fuck off from my screen for a while and give my poor, tortured eyes a rest? Would we ever be so lucky?

So, at the end of the rubbish episode, I'm left doing two things. Going ape-shit on the cw at fuckers who bitch at me for wanting this show cancelled (you like it, so how stable are you, really?), and ranting to you people, the ones who actually have a brain and will speak the truth to the very end.

Oh, and FYI to all those crazies who keep begging to have Chad and Hil come back - Chad just signed onto a new movie, so not sure sure about your chances for that one. And yes, there IS a huge grin on my face right now!

So rant and rave people!

Much love,

Toddian and Chrissy