“It’s Amazing How Far We’ve Fallen…” – Brooke Davis ain’t so stupid after all!

Rabbit sex talks, ghostly dreams, love triangles and mushy love scenes that make you reach for your vomit bucket? All in a day’s work on the set of One Tree Hill, and Season 8’s premiere episode didn’t let us down! And in true Mark fashion, because the douche couldn’t write something interesting even if it were to save his hairy gonads from being castrated, the very first scene had us rolling our eyes at the lameness that has become One Tree Hill and gave us an insight of the blatant bullshit we’re about to endure this season.

You know, it’s funny because I can still remember the days when this show used to have more than just couple storylines. There was angst for the brother’s Scott, friendship storylines (where oh where is BALEY?), family storylines and even colleague storylines. Yet everywhere I turned, this whole episode centered around COUPLES. Naley, Brulian, Chase/Alex/Mia and Clay/Quinn. Talk about boring as bat shit. I didn’t expect much from Mark, let’s face it, none of us do, but seriously… this guy has NO creativity what-so-ever and I cannot believe he gets paid to write such bullshit that reflects more a daytime soap opera these days than prime-time drama.

So where to begin? It’s all shit anyway, so might as well go through the apparent “coupling” stories we’re gonna be forced to endure for another 20 or so episodes.

So Nathan, Haley and that little ferret they like to call their son. Since apparently the only storylines they can have involve having spawn and then teaching said spawn about the birds and the bees, I can already feel a yawn fest coming on. Nathan’s little speech at the beginning about his dream of a son and his wife that is so far out of his league made me want to chuck. And don’t even get me started on the failed sex talk with his son. Man, did this guy turn into the biggest loser of Tree Hill or what? Guess he felt the need to fill the spot vacated by his stupid-ass brother. Speaking of… so Haley misses Lucas – welcome to the club honey.

We’ve been missing Lucas since season 3 when he decided to turn into the world’s largest fuck up.

The only thing I found even remotely interesting about this whole Naley bullshit? That they threw the doctor’s appointments in there – could they possibly be giving Nathan a storyline that doesn’t involve him stuck to Jamie like a fly on shit? Honestly, I’ve learnt my lesson when it comes to expecting anything even remotely resembling a decent storyline from the douche known as Mark.


And did anyone else roll their eyes at the fact that the very second word of the brand new season was LUCAS. Or the fact that Seyton’s name got mentioned twice along with her retarded (YES NATHAN - I SAID RETARDED – IF THE SHOE FITS…) husband all within the first six minutes? Schwahn needs therapy, seriously. Chad has moved on to the lifetime movie he is making (who called that stellar career??) and Hil has moved on to… well, no, she’s still spreading her legs about town and channeling the slutty instincts she had whilst playing Seyton. No wonder the douche thinks he’s in with a chance and can’t let her go. Still, some people were happy homage was paid to the original cast. I, on the other hand, thought it was lame.

Pucas are gone, their story is over – MOVE ON!

The only past homage I enjoyed was the return on the theme song. When I saw it, it felt like OTH for a brief moment in time. Then of course I was smacked back to reality like a bitch when the characters opened their mouths again and I realized that the days of a decent OTH episode really were over. Stupid cock-sucking Mark!

So Nathan’s on the road to the NBA and Haley is pregnant. The brief Baley scene was disturbing to say the least, and it brings me to...

Brulian. Boolian. Cut-my-eyes-out-so-I-don’t-have-to-witness-the-horror-of-this-couple- Brooke and Julian.

Whether it was the gag-worthy lines spewed back and forth between them, or lame attempt at trying to seem sexy and resemble something known as chemistry, it all ended up pointing to one thing – this couple is one giant pile of festering dog shit. Actually, leave the shit in the baking sun for a week and the crud that remains would more closely resemble Brooke and Julian. Someone ought to take Austin aside, show him clips of Chad and Sophia from seasons 1, 2 and 3 and then kindly instruct the big foreheaded tree hugger that THIS is what sexy chemistry actually looks like.

Oh, and also show him the scene of Bryan and his sexy ass back when poor Jake had to sleep with the she-devil herself. Watching Julian squash Brooke just didn’t have even an ounce of the sexiness that the very same move from Jake had 6 seasons prior. Austin, you may have taken the job as Julian for your beloved… but damn, you wouldn’t know what sexy was if it came along and slapped it’s dick against your big-ass forehead.

Now, Brooke. What has happened to you? You have become Julian’s sex slave, I swear. Please stop trying to force this chemistry on us. It’s about as interesting as watching paint dry. Also, why is it you can only seem to manage one set of emotions for each character? It’s always slutty/sad with Julian, angry/gnarly with Mummy dearest, and annoyed/melancholy with Millicent. Since you have like a five minute scene with Haley on the odd episode, you don’t even have time for an emotion with her and so we’re gonna skip that. Trying to distract us with the over-husky voice in some scenes doesn’t work anymore either.

This whole Brooke Davis character assassination seems to have been successful because I don’t see her anywhere anymore

And what’s with destroying the happy ending between her and Victoria last year by having Queen V lie about the company’s profits so that her toy boy’s line can be successful? What is with that shit, Schwahn? And having Brooke arrested for fraud without any proof of her wrong-doing or involvement is just plain retarded. Once again, we have to witness Brooke Davis lose everything and get chewed up and spat out by Mark.

Fuck you Schwahn, you cock-sucking piece of shit!

Speaking of cock-suckers, who else here was so glad to see Quinn bleed? The whole dream sequence was OTH bullshit writing at its best. Exactly how many characters have had death dream walks exactly? The unconscious experiences of the townspeople would have me questioning exactly what is in that damn river. I want Quinn to die so badly, but we both know that isn’t gonna happen. After all, with Seyton gone who else is gonna parade her slutty, flat-chested self around town? A skank void was definitely left and Quinn is needed to fill that void – apparently. Now someone should take her aside and show her exactly what it means to act sexy. Even Boolian (and we all know how much they suck) did the whole “Jump-on-my-back-as-I-pull-you-into-the-waves” scene better than Clay and Quinn. This show is so redundant. And what’s with Clay’s body these days? Not only was the face fat sucked, but clearly the abs have disappeared too. Yeah, choosing Quinn was a wise move, moron. Ugh, can’t even fathom what this show has turned Robert into.

What else? Oh right, the storyline of Alex, Chase and Mia that I could care less about. Honestly, I have to admit as much as I hated the skank last season, at least Alex is messing with someone I actually can’t stand this time. Mia, you need to check yourself pronto. YOU dumped Chase via text message sweetheart, it had nothing to do with Alex. Getting in Alex’s face and calling her a relationship destroyer may be fitting, but not in your case. You fucked up sweetheart, and you can’t blame the guy for wanting Alex more – you do have the face of a Chihuahua on crack who has been sniffing ass all day.

So in the end, what did we achieve from this season premiere that many of us were astonished was announced in the first place? Honestly – fuck all. Recycled scenes seem to have taken center-stage, relationships are the only things that have storyline potential it seems, and Brooke Davis has been given the raw end of the stick. Honestly Mark, your ass must be brutalized with the amount of sucking up you would have had had to do to get this rank show back on air.

So the famous words of Brooke Davis herself pretty much sum up the first episode of season 8…

“It’s amazing how far we’ve fallen.”

No shit, Sherlock!

Rant and Rave people,

Toddian & Chrissy.