OTH Season 7 Finale - Schwahn's Answer to Insomnia...

Need help sleeping? Watch the finale of One Tree Hill and you'll be off in the land of zzz's in no time!

But since I was not fortunate enough to need a sleeping pill in the form of a lame episode... I just have to say...

I knew there was a reason I liked Katie so much!

It's a sad day indeed when the best part of a finale is the final 40 seconds, but sitting through that torturous garbage was almost worthwhile when I got to see the evil succubus known as Quinn James cop one in the gut! Please, for the love of all that is fair and decent...

KILL OFF QUINN JAMES!

Yes, we finally managed to reach the season finale, and in true Tree Hill style (circa season 4 and beyond) not only was it a complete let down in every conceivable way, but the hour of my life that I will never get back also made it abundantly clear that Mark must be sucking some serious dick in order to gain himself another season of this television series. I mean really, this was nothing more than a bland and lifeless way to end this ridiculous season of One Lame Hill.

Whether it was the cliche one-liners, gag-worthy "I Love Yous" or annoying Pimp My Julian story lines, this final episode was nothing but a fucking snooze fest! So, let's get this dribble over with so we can go on living our lives...

Not even sure where to start because sifting through shit was never my strong point. Bottom line though - this episode was so fucking boring!

If the finale were a movie - I'd demand a fucking refund and sue them for fraud for calling this show entertainment!

So... Naley. What the fuck happened to this couple? During the week I had to deal with a fuck stick who decided to vehemently deny that Haley was trying to kill herself. Well, what the fuck do you call throwing yourself into a pool in order to "feel something"? My question would be what the fuck would have happened if Nathan hadn't come jumping into the pool to drag your dumb ass out of the pool, huh? Todd got it right when he said to me "If she wants to feel something, she should just fuck her husband..." which I am in total agreement about! At least then no more lives are lost in this lame storyline and Haley's character remains in tact. This version of Haley is the worst I've fucking seen her and not what I'd call entertainment.

Nathan was a waste of space in this episode because really, he did fuck all. I'm not even gonna get started on Jamie being in this so damn much either because I hate the little ferret... and lucky us, we get to have another James baby on the way because apparently that's the only fucking storyline that Mark wants to give Naley - they get boring, knock Haley up. I'm sure we all called this shit weeks ago when Mama James croaked - Haley would have a girl and name it after her Mom. I rolled my eyes when I saw that, and I just knew this show wasn't even going to try and redeem itself.

And who else thought that whole owl-thing was just pure shit? Like, there were no words for how stupid that was. Of course the idea came from dumb-ass Quinn, and I expect that stupidity from the shows poster-child airhead, but really Haley? Everything is going to be okay because your lame older sister believed your dead mom was reincarnated as an owl and you saw one?

What is this shit?

Speaking of airheads, Quinn James has got to be the biggest fail on this show (second or third only to perhaps Seyton herself and the garbage that was Pucas!) How dumb does a bitch have to be? Not only did I have to stop myself from chucking with all the "I love you" crap being thrown between Quinn and Clay, but how many times do I have to see that nasty hooker in a bikini on this damn show? I thought with snow and all I might be safe, but no, that tranny had to get her shit out all over my screen again and traipse through the bitter winter in front of an unsuspecting public? Word to the wise (cos clearly Mark needs help seeing properly) - Quinn ain't hot in the slightest, and if I want to stab my eyes out just to avoid seeing her stamp her skanky ass around, then clearly she doesn't belong on my damn screen!

Quinn James is nasty and as dumb as dog shit!

But maybe not as dumb as Brooke. After fawning over her lame-ass director boyfriend for the last four episodes, we got rewarded for our loyalty by watching her say "Yes" to what was perhaps the stupidest proposal I'd ever seen. Not only did the rock look like it had come out of a gumball machine, but he didn't even propose properly.

"Marry me, Brooke Davis."

Demanding much? I should have known when he gave her that ultimatum in season 6 he was fucking stupid and not about thinking of his woman, but Brooke Davis has wanted this for how long and that's what she gets? He gets down on his knee after demanding, and she said yes to that bullshit? So far that douche has only gotten one thing right this entire season - and that was his comment about his hair being mean because his forehead took up too much space. The rest of him and his story lines have been boring and useless, and the fact that he has managed to drag down the best character on this show and reduced her to a Seyton-esque doormat has got to be the biggest fucking tragedy this show has ever allowed to happen.

R.I.P Brooke Davis - it was good while it lasted!

So was there anything I actually liked?

Chase and Alex were surprisingly tolerable. Perhaps it's because he makes her seem semi-decent, or perhaps it was because she's not as annoying as fake-tits Mia. Either way, I should have known better than to start to possibly like them, because in true Seyton-style, Mia has come crawling back like the lame bitch she is and messing shit up. Seriously, what is with this show and hoes? Mia looks too disgusting now for me to even discuss (she should ask for her money back on that bad boob job), but I am seriously not in the mood for another triangle on this unoriginal show! Chase should pick Alex and send Mia back on tour with that loser Grubbs.

Mouth and Skills - at least Mouth chose his friend, but I'd seriously question his loyalty. Once a pig, always a pig - just ask Seyton! Also, I don't care about this story. At all.

So... what do we have? Another finale with lives hanging in the balance. Seriously, does Mark not sit down and consider how he ends his previous seasons or does he get his ideas off a cereal box? Look at this shit:

Season 1 - Dan and his heart attack.
Season 2 - Dan and the dealership fire.
Season 4 - Nathan, Lucas and Rachel in the lake.
Season 5 - Dan and his bad heart.
Season 6 - Seyton and her evil spawn.
Season 7 - Quinn and Clay shot.

I feel the only reason season 3 didn't get a finale with someone in mortal danger was because Keith croaked near the finale... same idea though. LAME LAME LAME!

And the network gave this shit another season to torture the public with? Mother fuckers! I mean, even Gossip Girl's finale scored higher ratings for their finale... wake up CW! This show is fucking crap and an eighth season is just embarrassing.

I miss The WB... back when television was good :(

So... what did I learn about this season in retrospect? Well, it appears Mark doesn't give a flying fuck about the loyal fans of the girls in this show. Unless you're a Seyton fan, you've got buckley's chance of your favorite chick character staying true to herself. Haley and her depression storyline was pure shit, and apparently it gets fixed with an owl and a bun in the oven.

Brooke Davis got swallowed into the abyss that is Julian Baker and hasn't been since. I'm considering posting LOST posters, but what would be the point? I don't feel like searching Julian's ass to find her, and we all know her lips have been attached to that thing for the past few episodes... so I'm coming to terms with the fact that Brooke Davis is gone. One Tree Hill is gone. The magic of Naley is gone... and my patience for this show is gone for good.

My only hope is that perhaps Quinn James can be gone too and we might have something to look forward to.

However, with the drama Haley has gone though lately, we all know that has a slim chance of happening. So what else is there to say except...

FUCK YOU MARK SCHWAHN!

Rant and rave peeps!

Toddian & Chrissy

Life Imitating Failed Art.. and something that was supposed to resemble entertainment?

She must be channeling Seyton because... Hilarie Burton is a bona fide HOOKER!

I guess the blond peroxide she donned for playing the evil whore known as Seyton has finally seeped through to that pile of mush that is supposed to resemble her brain! If you are scratching your head and wondering what the fuck these crazy bloggers are on about, here's the low down.

Following in the footsteps of her slutty OTH character Peyton, Hilarie Burton has not only managed to hook up with a new beau, but has also managed to have a baby by him! The thing is - are we at all surprised? Seems the Pucas departure cannot be solely blamed on the douche known as the ex-Mr Bush.

We all know Hilarie hooked up with and married OTH Assistant Director Ian Prange. The couple split in 2008. Cue ahead 18 months and we have Miss Whorebag - I mean Burton - not only with a new man but also with a new son. It's not hard to work out what happened here. The baby is said to be a few months old, and when you add that to the 9 months she was supposed to carry the spawn, it gives her a few months between leaving her husband and shacking up with Grey's Anatomy/Supernatural actor Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

I smell SKANK!

But a look at the picture shows she hasn't scored herself such a prize catch - the now HUGE-HEADED BEEFCAKE seems to be rather unhappily hooked up with the she devil... and who can blame him? Guess all those Hilarie lovers out there who got all pissed off at Chad for "making" her leave, need to fucking think twice.

Hilarie Burton is a slut!... just like Seyton. *gag*

Speaking of fat heads... onto tonight's episode. I'm not sure how much I can rant on this one seeing as it was just the same bullshit thrown before me as in previous weeks, and after last weeks angered rant, I'll try and make this shorter.

Originality is clearly a thing of the past with One Tree Hill, and I for one, am seriously hoping this shit doesn't get renewed because it's as stale as week old bread and half as appealing!

It could have just been me, but this entire episode just felt like one long filler. It was almost as if they needed an excuse to wrap up certain story lines and they chose the most boring ways possible to do so.

Of course we had Haley's downward spiral. I have to say, this storyline is fast becoming one of the most annoying non-Pucas related story lines of the show. Haley is acting like a complete fucking tool, and it's not like her at all. Tell me why this writer, or group of writers/monkeys feel that changing characters into lesser versions of themselves is something we wanna see? I know losing a parent is hard, but this is just way too over-the-top. Pick yourself up Haley James Scott and stop being so damn sullen. It's boring to watch, and quite frankly, when Haley fans argued they weren't getting gritty enough story lines, I'm sure they never imagined something as stupid as this being thrown their way. Of course Nathan was great, but that seems to be his only job these days. I'm tired of Haley feeling sorry for herself. I'm tired of her wandering around like a moron and I'm tired of this whole story line full-stop. Time to move on.

This show is completely fucked up! For some reason known only to god, Mark Schwahn apparently cannot write story lines for both characters in a ship. One always get front and center whilst the other falls by the wayside to be the bitch. Why can we not have both characters with a decent storyline? If you stop all the pointless side-characters getting so much airtime, you could make room for better story lines for the core 3.

The point? Why the fuck can't you dumb shits write a story for Haley and Nathan that doesn't suck seriously hairy balls?

Moving on to Brooke - who apparently was airing her own program of Pimp My Rider-Director Boyfriend Who Sucks Ass! Seriously, why the fuck do people baby this douche? At one point, he had Brooke, Alex and even Chase telling him how great he was. What does Mark think this is? Do you even known who your fans are, Mr Schwahn? No matter how hard you try to push Julian down our throats, we will hate that fucker, just like we always hated Peyton.

Julian Baker is annoying and needs to fall off a cliff!

Jamie and Quinn - cute I guess. Clearly shows we had nothing better to do with that new character that was supposed to liven up the show. The new James sister = epic fail. It was more like a little fat ferret (I mean, with a pro basketballer dad, this kid shouldn't look like a keg!) running around with Queen McBeak. LOVE LOVE LOVE the Goonies - but having them mentioned in this festering pile of shit-tv show, is like bad publicity. At least i didn't have to endure Quinn and Clay.

Speaking of Clay, guess Katie is gone now and can I just say what a dumb fucking move that was. Even as a nutcase, this actress has a thousand times better chemistry that the Quinnie-Monster and Clay. They should have kept her and bumped Quinn off. That would have made many people cry out in delight! Still, the story seemed to whirl by and end just as quickly.

Moving onto Mia/Chase and Grubbs/lame chick. Don't care about these four at all, and did anyone else find it highly stupid that Mia would break up with Chase because they were apart too much, and then in her final scene mention she is staying in Tree Hill to help run the record company? How fucking dumb was that? Move on Chase, you deserve better. I was actually kinda hoping he and Alex would hook up. Random, I know, but they seemed to have better chemistry! Mia just needs to fuck off for good because there is no point to her what-so-ever!

Why is it when they pull a character-disappearing act on this show, they never get rid of the ones we really hate?

Oh, and Victoria is now gone too. Cute mother/daughter moments but I kinda rolled my eyes at the end there. Seriously, we get the point. Victoria is a great Mom now and she's so proud of her daughter.. blah blah blah! Whatever. Doormats are nothing to be proud of, and if I have to see Brooke and Julian attempt sexy again, I think I might scream! I am so sick of Brooke's only purpose in this show being that of Julian's cheer squad. I was so happy to hear Brooke mention Haley's name... and then what happened to Baley? Oh that's right... NOTHING! Victoria gave Haley the pep talk that did nothing because the selfish prat threw herself in a pool at the end... and we got Brathan instead. Brathan sucked. I would have been all for them once upon a time, but Nathan is such a mush right now that he's somehow managed to be more boring than ever, and when you mix that with Brooke's self-deprecating ways, you've got television crap at it's worst!

So when you think about it, this episode really was just a filler and a huge waste of time!

- The following people supposedly are gone:
Victoria, Alexander, Millicent, Sara and that British chick (whose name I never remember cos I really don't give a fuck about her and Grubbs in the slightest!)

- Mia and Chase are over (who the fucks cares though, seriously? I Hate Mia and her annoying face!)

- Naley were not anywhere near as close to being as good as they can be (I miss season 2/3 where the best Naley angst and passion resided!)

- Pimp My Julian moved to prime-time status with the amounts of compliments the douche was getting.

- Clay got rid of Katie even though he has better chemistry with her than that trout Quinn!

- Everyone besides Brooke and Julian are suffering from emotional issues or broken hearts...

... and I'm supposed to somehow vote to get another season of this fucking garbage?

If this is the best it can do... season 8 can shove itself up Mark's ass and stay there with the rest of the shit he makes.

Rant and review... tell us what you think!

Later peeps,

Toddian and Chrissy.

The Horror of Seyton Lives On... No Wonder This Season Sucks Balls!

It's all just a little bit of history repeating in this episode of One Tree Hill, and unfortunately for the viewers out there, it's all the bits we hated that the writers seem to think make for good television. It's a sad, sad world indeed when psychos, chemistry-less couples and backstabbing best friends are what we're still left with after seven long seasons of drama...

Or three seasons of drama and four seasons of bullshit!

As I sat there and forced myself to watch the shit that played out in front of me, I often wondered how it was even possible that Mark Schwahn still has a job? Creatively, the douche ran out of ideas at the end of the third season. Since then, nothing has been new, old scenes have been re-used by other characters and apparently, although the shows viewers have grown older and clearly wiser to this shows bullshit, the writers are still stuck back in High School where they think watching the same storylines over and over again is somehow appealing.

Think again dickheads!

Season 7 promised me one amazing fact, and it was this fact that made me watch this season in the first place:

THE PROMISE OF NO PEYTON SAWYER!

Yet everywhere I turn, that backstabbing, two-faced, crying emo-slut is front and center, and why? Because Mark Schwahn cannot let the bitch go. I swear, this guy cannot function unless he has some traits of the she-devil present in this lame-ass show... just look at this crap:

1. Seyton's Cheating with Best friend Award goes to Mouth. Sorry Skillz, apparently this asshole didn't learn a thing from Peyton's days of being a dumb whore.

2. Seyton's Crying at Everything and Being a Complete Sap Award goes to Quinn. Seriously, does this bitch even know what a facial expression is? I hope Katie whoops her ass! That would be the highlight of my season!

3. Seyton's Act Like a Doormat for Your Lame Boyfriend Award goes to Brooke. I'm disappointed in what they have done to our fair Brooklyn. Brooke Davis is a strong, fiery and independent woman. Bring Julian Baker into the picture and suddenly she's like Seyton and acting like she has no pride. The dude was a complete dick to you and you're acting like he's god fucking gift? Please... the forehead alone is enough to make me run. Brooke needs an exorcism to get Seyton out of her system and pronto, cos this new Brooke sucks ass!

4. Seyton's Take Your Dead Mommy Issues Out On Everyone Else Award goes to Haley. Come the fuck on, this is pure bullshit at its stinking worst. Haley is known for being the strongest character on the show, sometimes to the point of being morally overbearing. Yet some Mark Schwahn-bitch expects us to believe that she's losing the plot over a mother she knew was dying... yet show no emotion for the father who apparently croaked it sometime in the hiatus? Fuck off, what a croc of shit!

5. Seyton's Lifetime Achievement of Douche-baggery Award goes to Mark Schwahn for thinking this fucking crapfest is good television!

Not even a delicious chocolate milkshake courtesy of Donut King could save me from the slow and painful viewing of this week's episode. It couldn't even numb the pain. So where to begin?

Apart from having my gag reflexes tested with every Seyton-ish act from characters who apparently don't exist anymore, nothing about this episode was even remotely memorable. So I guess we better just start from the beginning and slowly descend into hell, shall we?

Let's begin with the attempt-at-something-emotional scenes involving Haley. Now usually I would be all for Bethany getting to stretch her legs and deliver some great scenes, because we all know this fine lady can act. Unfortunately, watching her fall into a zombie-like status where she sets a piano on fire and effectively endangers the lives of her husband and kid, are NOT the kind of scenes I wanna see Haley involved in. What the fuck has happened to this show? Haley is probably the most stable and dependable characters in this entire show, so this bullshit storyline of her losing it has come too little, too late for me to be buying into it. Haley would NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER fucking do that to Nathan and Jamie and I was so pissed off that they're turning her into a crazy nutcase. What, Carrie, Derek, Katie and Seyton weren't enough? This storyline is fucked and completely unbelievable, especially after Haley dealt with Nathan's depression before... this is the best they can come up with for this couple? I feel sorry for Bethany actually, because seasons of dealing with limited story lines only to be given a shit attempt at emotional-depth, is beyond a joke. Run away as fast as you can Bethany, and find a job where the writers actually KNOW what talent is!

Moving onto the lame love-triangle attempt. I'm just gonna say it - Mouth is a fucking asshole. Did he not learn anything from the Pucas bullshit? The whole "We didn't plan it" seems to be a legit excuse for everything in the spaztastic world of Mark Schwahn... which makes me believe the guy has seriously NEVER dated or actually known true friendship and loyalty in his pathetic excuse for a life. But this whole storyline and the people involved, are stupid. How about Lauren-Whorebag's excuse for why she did it...

You stopped calling = I'm gonna act like a total slut and move on to your best friend.

These chicks are pathetic, and their principles are non-existent. Why does Lauren even have a choice? She is not all that and quite frankly, anyone can do better! Kick her dumb ass to the curb and enjoy life with a chick who knows how to treat her man. I fucking hate Lauren and her damn high horse. I actually relished the fact that Mouth turned her down in the end - serves her right for making a dumb choice like a rodent over Skillz.

Don't even get me started on Millie being all Team Mouth and taking the high road. UGH. Brooke version 2.0 is annoying as hell. Won't any chicks stand up for themselves anymore on this lame-ass show? Grr.

Can I just say though - best part of the whole thing - was Junk slamming the door in Lauren's face before letting Skillz know she was there. No words, no acknowledgement, just a door slam to the face. Hell fucking yeah! Now THAT is a true friend! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch!

The worst part about it? Besides the lame advice dispersed to Skillz by Jamie of all people (like that little ferret would have any idea what he's talking about???), the most sickening thing would have to be the conversation between Mouth and Brooke. Of course this lame scene was just a ploy to get these characters to drop the devil's name in conversation - TWICE.

Newsflash Mark - no one fucking cares about Peyton SawyerBoyfriend-So-I'm-Gonna-Steal-Him!

And can I also just say, that when comparing the two situations (the BLP vs the MSL love triangles), it was fucking typical that Mouth brought up the prom episode with Peyton being all punch-happy (looking like a man, I might add) because, once again, they are trying to pass off Brooke as the one at fault in that tangled mess. Yet they mentioned nothing about what a slut Peyton was in stealing Brooke's boyfriend twice, which would have made more sense seeing as though Mouth is being a total whore the same way Seyton was. What a pile of crap!

And to add insult to the injury of having to hear that whore's name... Brooke gets all gushy-gross over the fact that if it wasn't for Peyton she wouldn't have Julian, so she was glad they made up in the long run, and encouraged Mouth to fix things with Skillz for this reason?

HELL FUCKING NO BITCH!

Nice try Markhole, but if it wasn't for Seyton the man-faced, backstabbing whore, we would still have Brucas, the best couple on the damn show. Brooke may have thanked Seyton for allowing her to meet Julian in some lame attempt to actually pimp the failing couple that is Brooke and Julian - but reminding me of the fact that it was that emo-slut's fault that I am now enduring this god-awful relationship just gave me another reason to hate that hoe.

She's GONE Mark, move on you fucking pussy.

Onto Boolian. The most boring couple of century are still yet to have Julian acknowledge any fault he played in the demise of their relationship to begin with. What are we left with then? Oh that's right, apparently good television is watching Brooke act like a total doormat and waiting hand and foot on her lame 'overworked' boyfriend. Right, cos apparently running a fashion company is no where near as stressful as making a movie with Daddy dearest. I CALL BULLSHIT!

But let's not forget the way the writers thought that stealing that damn bathtub scene from Naley and recycling it, was endearing to watch. Sorry, but as soon as I saw Brooke being all lame and trying to help Julian relax, I knew this scene was ending Naley-style with Brooke in that tub sucking face with that freak!

Originality... hello? Where are you? Oh there you are, running for your life to another network because the CW and Mark Schwahn suck ass!

What else? More Alex bullshit. Loved how Paul told that slut where she could stick her "cheap" comment. Please bitch, the only cheap thing on this show is you. I am so bored with her being a prop to Julian. I am so bored with her making everything about her. I am so bored with her 'recovery' storyline. I'm so BORED with her. Why isn't she dead yet? Oh that's right, no one would even care. Except maybe Julian... but he'd cry and Brooke would tell him how wonderful he is and life would continue. I don't even care that she was 'selfless' is leaking her sex tape - bitch made it in the first place. If she wasn't acting like such a whore, none of that crap would have happened. So do I see her as anything other than a spoiled little brat. No. Sorry Mark - FAIL!

Quinn, Clay and Katie. How sad is it that out of these three, the one who isn't a regular is the only one I care about. Katie owns this storyline and she's the only thing I'm interested in, especially now that Clay has aged about ten years in the space of a few weeks. I seriously wanted her to use that smashed glass to send Quinn running for the hills in fear. I literally laughed and snorted when Quinn attempted to act tough. Please... we all knew she pissed her pants on the spot! I would gladly have Katie stay and Quinn leave, because she may actually inject the life back into Clay that Quinn obviously sucked out. This storyline is about as interesting as watching paint dry.

But it's not as boring as Grubbs and that chick I don't care enough about the remember her name. Get married then fuck off. End of story.

So there was another hour of my life I'll never get back. I often wonder why people are petitioning to have this show stick around when it has fallen so far from grace. This show has been swirling around in the shitter since the beginning of season four and I seriously just want someone to take it out the back, shoot it and put it out of its misery. The end is in sight though... fingers crossed it stays that way!

Later peeps,

Chrissy & Toddian.