Not Even Halloween Could Save This Wretched Mess

Gimme Candy - A Sugar Coma Is Needed In Order To Survive This Crapfest Season!

So this rant is up later than usual. I apologize for this, but as you probably guessed, I delayed watching this show as long as I could. Honestly, the only reason I haven't quit altogether is because of this blog. And all of you. Your honesty kinda rocks and is missing from the CW Boards. I find it refreshing.


Plus I like to bitch about things without being censored. Go Blogging!


Anyway, so here we are again for episode 6 of season 8. Again, there's not much to blog about as very few things happened to move the show forward. I find this is a common theme for season 8. They fucked up last season by throwing too many characters and storylines in our faces last season, that now I guess this is their way of compensating for that poor decision. Unfortunately for them, they have gone too far in the opposite direction and for some reason are clinging to storylines and dragging them out as long as possible.

I guess this is what happens when a writing team share barely enough braincells between them to come up with an actual, decent storyline.

So let's go through the motions as we do every week. This shouldn't take to long.


Brooke & Julian. So... I was surprised at how he is with his mother. I seemed to recall last season that his fucked-up reason for saving Alex was because he couldn't save the mother ship, correct? This was his lame justification for abusing Brooke emotionally for the sake of crackhead Alex. Then we meet Mom (whom I guess has a thing for alcohol, although she seemed to be handling her liquor - just waiting for THAT obvious storyline to come out), and the truth is, Julian is just a little bitch. That dog outfit was spot on for him. Was his mother dressed as Cruella for some symbolic reason? I'm sorry, she can't beat Victoria for that crown. And Julian just licks her ass like an obedient pup. So I guess this is the new nemesis for Brooke, because apparently she can't catch a break, right Markhole? What's the bet mother-dearest loves Alex?


I gave up caring about Brulian a long time ago, mostly because Julian turned into some whore-loving wank-stick who puts his girlfriend's needs on the bottom rung of his care-factor ladder, and now I have a feeling I'm going to be exposed to more Brooke whining and unhappiness. Great, just great Mark. Ta-fucking-da! What a genius plan! This is such a brilliant new concept for her character. Your writing skills amaze me! Wait no... scratch that. We've been down this fucking boring road, haven't we? It leads to... poor ratings. But hey, keep skipping down your yellow-brick road and enjoy the illusion of Emerald City. What a douche-bag!


And can I just say, what the fuck do they think they're achieving by making Julian into a complete tool? What was with that high-five? We get it, the man is a loser, a dork, can't play basketball, nerd in school who didn't get the popular girl... blah fucking blah! WE GET IT! Fact is, WE DON'T CARE! Move on already!


Naley. Nothing new here. Seems like Nathan is in the beginnings of starting a career as an agent. He'll help his friend, feel the man love and find a new dream that he is good at. Well, hooray for you! Haley, what did we get from you today? You found your mystery caller and she's an amazing singer - who didn't pick THAT like a dirty nose? Guess this could be where the crossover comes into play? Whatever, I don't care about this chick, Erin, was it? Seriously. What else did Haley do? Oh right, bum-fuck all. Yep, that's about right. We are now aware that she is pregnant and scared of clowns. Stuff we already knew so we'll just move on.


Quinn and Clay. Who else rolled their eyes when Quinn was seen in her underwear again? Note to Mark - if it don't have b-bumps ANYWHERE (i.e boobs, belly or booty) it don't look good on tv. Just keep her clothed for the love of god. She's similar to a praying mantis and I'm no fan of the bug-effect. Glad she might be pissing off to Africa though. I might be able to begin eating whilst watching again. Good to know she is suffering more than Clay. very smart to bring a gun into the same room as where you both got shot. Can I also just say, go to a fucking therapist you crack-pot. Taking photos in Africa won't solve your mental issues. You had them way before now. We all saw how unstable you were when you left your husband for the most pathetic reasons on the planet. I seriously just want this bitch to die.


Clay - you can breathe again. Maybe now your face will return to normal. I say eat a burger now that the bulimic bitch has left the premises.


Jamie and friend. So Jamie is going to get a girlfriend. His little friend Chuck is a douche. His father loves him. I lost ten minutes or so of my life watching this little ferret. NEXT!


Alex and Chase. So Alex is gone and Chase is brooding about it. Mia walked in like a slutty version of Ariel. Fake tits for all to see. Note to Kate V - those plastic funbags don't take the focus off your dog face. I half expected her to start yapping at the bar like a chihuahua on heat. And Chase deserves better than Alex? I'm glad you're not saying it's you because honey, you're lower than dirt. So Alex has to leave for a movie - how is that different from you leaving for a musical tour? Dumping via text message cos you're too much of a pussy to face things head on. BITCH PUH-LEASE - you are starting to annoy me almost as much as Quinn.


Mouth and Millie. So you fucked. We don't care, really. Either get together or stay apart. Either way, your drawn out love whatever is boring and we don't give two shits about it. Fuck, I would have gone home with anyone besides Mouth too. Who does he think he is telling her they're just having fun? Little rodent is lucky a woman is actually giving him the time of day with the ugly mug he has on him.


Also, I felt the Brooke/Mouth scene was a huge let down. If it wasn't for Mouth and Haley, Brooke would never have started the company in the first place. Him with the website and Haley with the encouragement. And now she has lost everything, they had a two minute scene about it. Whatever. This bullshit show has just become so pathetic lately every minute of it is a new letdown.


So, recap of what we learned from this episode:


1. Brooke lost her company and is sad about it. But hey, we're moving forward because Julian's Mom is in town and... they're planning the wedding.


2. Julian is asking the question "What Comes next?"


3. Clay and Quinn got shot. They say "I Love You" a lot.


4. Nathan gave up basketball and doesn't know what to do next.


5. Mia can't get over Chase and is acting like a pus-infected boil on everyone's ass.


6. Haley is pregnant.


7. Alex is an actress.


8. Mouth is a freak.


Yes, as you can see - we're moving ahead in leaps and bounds!

Rant and rave people,

Toddian & Chrissy.

OTH - Schwahn's Newest Sleeping Pill Alternative!

Welcome to Snore-ville. Please leave your appreciation for entertainment at the door!

I've been sitting here staring at this flashing cursor that's telling me it's time to write, for about twenty solid minutes now. Time to rant, rave and review the latest episode of One Tree Hill. Time to vent about all the things that I hated about this show. Maybe even talk about a few of the things I liked? (Yeah, I chuckled a little at the thought too!) But what do you do when, quite simply, you are so fucking tired of repeating yourself over and over again? When the very thing you are supposed to blog about is actually so beyond boring and useless that you feel like you're just going to be saying the same shit over and over again?

I think I need to call Mark and ask him how he doesn't get bored using the same storylines in his show over and over again? Because I sure as fuck am tired of watching it!

So I guess this rant will be brief. Or it will channel Mark and feel like the same bullshit is being said all over again. At least you know for that, I am actually sorry!

So we started with Haley writing to Lucas again. I'm tired of this - as if the show wasn't repetitive enough, I now have to endure the same opening all the time. I guess they tried to change it up with the new renditions of the theme song, but you all already know how I feel about this. And can I just say, tonight's one was the worst of the lot. Sounded like some creepy, dirty old man singing drunk at a bar. I felt the need to sanitize myself after it. I actually did, honestly. YUCK!

As for Pucas possibly returning, which seems to be a highly discussed topic because a good 80% of viewers do NOT want to see this happen, we all know by now that Mark is doing this to keep Pucas lovers watching. Kinda like how he kept us BLers glued by pretending that BL may happen again, when the cock-sucking bastard knew it was never a possibility. Sadly though, it seems the jerk off wants this hell-couple back on the box. I'm sure their lucrative careers in lifetime shows and b-grade movies are fascinating, but let's get real here. If Sophia hated working with her douche ex so much, why would he come back? If the rumours about pay checks and bad blood on set and Hilarie cheating on her husband are true - why have them back? Is Mark really that self-centered?

Did I really just ask that question? This show is draining the life and sense out of me. Watching 40 minutes of it every week is actually making me dumber.

Bottom line - I don't want them back. They left, fucked off into oblivion with their demon child, just fucking piss off and stop torturing us already. Can you imagine Seyton and Quinn on the same screen Ugh, just the thought makes me want to vomit.

Speaking of vomiting due to visual abuse by the television, who else wanted to strangle Mia? A voodoo doll, really? How pathetic are you, you washed-up, dog-faced bitch? YOU dumped Chase. YOU were so tacky you did it via text message. YOU DID IT! Alex may be a bitch, not saying she isn't, but she doesn't deserve the stinking shit of hypocrisy and blame-shifting you seem to be serving. Also, really, just like that she can play at a festival after being off the music scene for months? Does Mark ever think about how unrealistic his storylines are? Does anyone even give a shit about Haley and Mia going to that other lame show with she-devil Liz from Roswell? I don't even care enough to remember the name of it.

So Mia sucks. I hate her. I was enjoying watching her suffer at the hands of Alex and Chase, who I could stand. And of course, they fuck that up. They make it seem like Chase might be the guy Alex could change for, and bam, she's now some liar and he's done. If they put him back with Mia, so help me god, I am going to scream.

GET THAT DAMN BITCH OFF MY SCREEN!

Nathan and Haley - what's with the extra cheese? I'm bored with their scenes. I'm bored with the way they are dragging out Nathan's retirement. He played for what, a year? No one gives a fuck about you dude, seriously. You play for the fucking Bobcats. And really, how long do we have to wait to see what happens next? The question keeps being asked, we're all waiting for an answer. A sign. ANYTHING! This show is going nowhere. And Nathan pimping Mouth and how great he is at the beginning, then having Julian fawn over him and once more, Nathan again. Where the fuck is Millicent? That's her fucking job. I don't care about this rodent, and the condoms? Ew. Mouth and condoms should never be in the same scene unless you wanna promote abstinence. seriously.

Clay and Quinn. I was going to say that.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *drool* *snore* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. *wakes up*. Oh I'm sorry, I guess this super-lame snore-fest couple does that to me. If I have to hear one more time about how much they love each other I think I'm gonna get on a plane, walk into the house and finish the fucking job Katie started. Really? How long do they think they can keep playing with my gag reflexes like this? Yeah, let's throw a parade and a fucking party cos some dude who got shot walked out of the hospital. Let's dress up our girlfriend and parade in front of all the sick patients how we can walk outta here and all you guys are still stuck in hell. Nice work, how very thoughtful off you. Maybe the remaining sick patients can clean up the never-ending confetti that came out of Jamie-ferret's fat-ham hand too! This couple just need to get the fuck off my screen, pronto! Just because you say you love each other all the time and throw out the cheesiest lines known to man, doesn't make your chemistry or supposed love story believable. You're boring. Fuck off!

Brooke Davis. I think Julian says her name like this so he can remember. He does seem to be pretty docile. Well, Brooke Davis, why haven't you asked Haley to be your matron of honor? You are the godparent of her child after all. It's the least you could do. Glad she stood up to her Mom, but seriously, how many times are these lame writers going to have them make up, fight, make up, fight... either Victoria is a good Mom or she's not. Either she did this for her daughter because she loves her, or she thinks she's stupid. You cannot redeem a character only to destroy her again - that's why people hate Seyton. You think you would learn from your mistakes.

Wait, this is Mark Schwahn. Nevermind.

So you don't get to have red velvet cupcakes. Note, woman - they suck balls anyway! Would I have liked to see Brooke get her dream wedding - yes? Honestly, yes. Because the character has been bitch-slapped by Mark for far too long now (thanks for that too, Sophia!) I'm tired of the mopey, sad face all the time (No Julian, sad Brooke isn't beautiful - at least, not as beautiful as feisty, happy Brooke, so shut the fuck up, you lame-o). But let's be realistic here again for a minute - even if she got married in McDonald's it would still be classier than the hick-trash wedding of Pucas.

So, at the end of this episode what did we learn?

1 - Haley is pregnant and writing letters to Lucas.

2 - Jamie is grounded.

3 - Nathan is retiring.

4 - Mia can't get over Chase and is acting like a puss-infected boil on everyone's ass.

5 - Brooke is giving up her company and personal wealth to pay back investors and apparently can't have her dream wedding.

6 - Julian is asking the question "What comes next?"

7 - Clay and Quinn keep spurting out "I Love Yous" because we don't hear enough of them and they got shot.

8 - Victoria is in prison.

9 - Mouth has no job and is acting like a freak.

10 - Alex is an actress.

And they think this series is progressive? My fucking ass it is!

We're left at the exact same spot as last week. Or was it the week before? It all seems like the same bullshit to me.

So that is it for the week. Not much to say because there's not much to watch. I feel I'm just repeating myself continuously and unlike Mark, that's not okay with me. The only good thing about this episode was the first song. Greg Laswell is the man!

Until next week's shitfest,

Rant and rave people,

Toddian & Chrissy

Definition of Boring: One Tree Hill Post Season 3

So there was this one thought that crossed my mind as I was watching this week's episode of One Tree Hill. Surprisingly, it wasn't in the vicinity of "When will this shit be over?", or "Really Mark, really?", or even "Thank fucking god I got through an episode with Mouth, Millicent, Mia and Jamie/Ferret molesting my eyes." (although for the latter I was actually quite grateful). No, this week I sat there, having my eyes abused by this crapfest of a show, and all I could think about is...

What the fuck am I going to blog about?

Truly, this episode was about as enthralling as the past 4+ seasons have been... and that ain't saying much! Last week I complained about how this show didn't seem to move the story forward at all. This week, again, it seems to have come to a complete standstill, although for some reason they think that by having everything seemingly depressing and emotional, people will want to see this show as something more than what it is.

And to think Sophia actually nominated herself for an emmy for this bullshit?

So, where do we begin? Of course, Haley is doing her voiceover to Lucas. Honestly though, these intros are wearing a little thin. In fact, they are almost as annoying as the new theme song every week. Like really, why do you have to mess with a good thing? The only thing these "Dear Lucas" intros are doing is giving false hope to people who will not let go of the idea of Pucas returning for Brooke's magical wedding to Julia. Yes, Julia - because he's acting like such a soft-cock these days I'm beginning to doubt he even has a dick.

So let's get into this Brooke storyline, shall we? I hate to say it, but this whole "losing the company" thing is just getting on my last damn nerve. Sure, it was unrealistic to have everyone in Tree Hill be so damn successful, but honestly, Nathan and Brooke were the only two, since high school, who actually showed any promise in what they did - in my opinion. Sure, Haley can sing, but so can a lot of people out there and let's face it, Bethany Joy isn't exactly steaming up the charts with that miraculous voice of hers. So, in perspective, I felt Brooke's success was actually warranted. Nathan's too.

Now here I am, season 8 and once again dealing with Brooke hitting rock bottom. Losing everything. Mother in prison, company gone - and now apparently, not a cent to her name because she wants to pay back investors. Classy move on her part, no doubt, but really Mark? A multi-million dollar company isn't worth enough to pay back investors? Where is the realism in that big, fat piece of fluff lie? You build Brooke up to be successful, and as a fan I was happy seeing as you seemed hell-bent on snuffing out any other form of happiness that came her way - but now she's not as grand as you lead us to believe? We're supposed to buy that she isn't worth millions - when you have painted that picture of the company many times over?

What the fuck is your problem? Seyton is gone, she got her lame ass, unrealistic happy ending - but again you decide to make Brooke suffer. Apparently happiness just isn't what you feel she deserves. Or her fans.

I have to question why Mark even bothers trying to come off as anything other than a self-serving, arrogant fuckstick.

Naley and Brooke fanbases have given you an extra season, when really, you should have hung up your hat. You're being kept in clean jocks because of their loyalty. Is it THAT hard for you to let Brooke be happy? If Seyton can survive two stalker attacks, a shooting and a spawn that realistically SHOULD have killed her, not to mention have a successful record label... is it really so much to ask that Brooke gets something? ANYTHING?

You really are a sadistic, piece of shit - aren't you Mark Schwahn?

But not only do I have to endure watching Brooke lose everything, but Nathan too? This blow isn't as harsh in my opinion, because he will still have his wealth accumulated and a wife who is just as successful. Not to mention he can still have children. Oh, and his mother isn't in the slammer. The only thing I can say regarding Nathan's storyline is "Can this basketball yo-yo storyline please be over now?" I am so tired of Nathan being this one-dimensional character who does fuck all except play basketball and deliver cheesy romance lines that make me cringe. I'm sure Naley fans love it, but really, it's boring as hell for those of us who aren't hardcore fans of the couple.

Clay and Quinn. Must I say anything except... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Move the fuck on. This couple sucks, no one cares about them. After pimping them as some great love story since season 7, this storyline has bitten the dust. we simply do not give a fuck. and the fact that they keep repeating how they're gonna be together and happy always, you know something is coming around the corner that will be miraculously resolved by the end of the season. PATHETIC! This couple sucks and I cannot believe that a show that used to have the epic couple of Brucas has fallen so far as to think a couple like Succubus and Sunken Face can compare. Go home writers, you deserve to be fired for this bullshit!

Alex and Chase. They had some sweet moments and I have to say I prefer them to Clay/Quinn. Hell, I'm just happy they're keeping him away from the barking Chihuahua Mia. But really, she never loved anyone? How am I supposed to buy that bullshit when she spent all of last season saying she was in love with Julian? Fucking hell, she tried to kill herself because she thought she couldn't have him - but now she's saying she's never felt in love?

Excuse me why I go empty this bucket of bullshit you just tried to throw in my face.

Whilst it's true One Tree Hill needed a reality check when it came to the successes of their characters, to jump from one extreme to the next is beyond ridiculous. Brooke's gesture was kind, but ultimately it is the investors who take the risk when putting money into a project. Legally, Brooke is not liable. Why couldn't they have just let this storyline go, and have her rebuild again? I wanted to see fighter Brooke Davis - not this mopey version of her that they're using to replace the pathetic character that exited at the end of season 6. I'm sure Karen and Andy have thrown her overboard by now after enduring her constant whining.

So... what comes next? Good question, Julian. Hopefully an episode that knows what direction "forward" is.

Rant and rave people,

Toddian & Chrissy